I am at this place where I am tired of talking about relationships. I don’t want to think about getting married or teaching other young people how to wait and pray for the “right partner.” I spend so much time thinking about it on my own that I am seriously JUST TIRED!!. I don’t want to come off as depressed or sad, but I am just over the whole thing.
For starters, when I began this journey, I had it in my mind that my forever partner would have shown up by now! I figured that the minute I started the single’s conference and put more effort into the church, this man would appear, and everything would go the way I had planned. I am at this point where I am asking God if He is playing with my emotions. I mean, why have Boaz and Ruth’s story and make me feel that the moment that I choose God, I would be out and about, and boom! My future husband would spot me at either Tj Maxx, Marshalls, or Target. The year 2019, and I am looking at life, trying to make sense of it all.
I understand that life isn’t just about having a relationship or being single in my own personal journey. For some odd reason, God has me at this place where nothing is satisfying my needs. I can sit all day and think about who my future husband will be, and then this feeling of dissatisfaction comes over me. I begin to realize that this unidentified man is not good enough for me. Then I go into this moment where I am reviewing the history and realize that none of my relationships really satisfied me.
Now I am at this place where I am questioning if I know what love feels like. Sadly, I don’t think I really do. It’s assumed that if we grew up in a family that demonstrated love, then we should know how to show it or receive it. Maybe it is true, but for me, I struggle with it. I have always been that person that said yes to please people, and when I make decisions, I never think of pleasing myself. Somewhere in my mind, I have buried opinions from insignificant/unidentifiable people, and they have more control over my decisions than I do. So, when I think about love, I don’t interpret it satisfyingly, but I expect it to be shown in a way that is acceptable by today’s culture.
I don’t mean to rant, but everybody thinks that it easy being in the placement of either single or in a relationship. Both placements come with their own struggles and gratifications. The struggle is understanding how it works for you. Even in writing this post, God is clearly working on me. Today, I was doing a bible lesson. It asked the question, ” What hinders love today?” the answer is, ” we are too easily pleased” So how does this fit into my interpretation of love?? well, for starters, when I think of what love is supposed to look like, my sources of information are Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. Based on these sources, love includes daily photos of each other, some act of kindness (i.e., buys food, flowers, car, house, pays for vacation, etc.), appreciation post, kissing photos, and the list can go on and on. I can look at those things every day–some of it, I displayed in my past relationships, but none of it really showed me true love.
Everything that I mentioned involves instant gratification. Every time I see those photos, I think, ” we’ll they are happy in that moment.” I don’t want to be just happy at that moment. As I continued in my Bible lesson, it talked about how being loved in today’s day and time consists of ” being made much of.” So what does that mean? well, an example from the lesson was, ” If I love you, I made much of you, or, I help you feel good about yourself.” To sum it all up, it says that the sight of self is the secret of joy.
Love isn’t about if it just makes me happy or makes the other person happy because there has to be a balance. It can’t just be about giving up on oneself. Love has to benefit both parties involved because edification isn’t just about oneself, but about the Body (other parties present). Even in your individual relationship with God, your relationship doesn’t just satisfy you. Still, it satisfies both you and christ because as He is being glorified, you are being elevated with the intent of reaching Glory.