An Open Confession

God Here I AM

Living a life without God is hard, Living a life with God is hard! So choose your Hard. For a fact, God never said that following after Him would be easy! But God, I choose you.

You say that you knew me in my mothers womb and there you spoke my life into existence. You never forced me to love you or have a relationship with you but you made it a point to love me. From the time that I entered into this world, you walked with me and you protected me. You called me to be yours. There were times when I didn’t feel your presence, I didn’t know the extent of your grace but for some reason, you continued to follow me until I noticed you.

It took time to understand that you weren’t punishing me, in fact, you let me step out into the murky waters to test it on my own. Yet still, you protected me. You were right there when I wanted to come back. Your love for me grew deeper and it was as if your heart had no depth it was a never ending kind of love.

When you embraced me, you gave me a new meaning. You saw me in a way that felt foreign but eventually I accepted your perspective of me. As I grew stronger in this walk with you, there were still times when I questioned my faith or I shyed away from the truth but yet, you still loved me. You still chose me when I didn’t deserve to be chosen. I questioned your true love for me and wondered how can a Man like you who is perfect and without flaw, accept a flawed person like myself. You reminded me that flaws does not mean damaged or brokenness but that it signified a vessel that could be repaired. A vessel that wanted to be changed into something recognizable and it is a vessel that “I” choose to work in because with a flawed vessel “My” glory can flow and it can restore. It is where “I” am accepted and needed.

I still question who I am in Christ and whether or not I am doing what you have asked me to do. I sometimes get overwhelmed from the pressures of this world. I don’t want to fail you but my need to be perfect is blurring my vision. My mind is like a trail, so many lanes but only one leads me to the scenery that I have longed to see. God, how do I pick the right course, How do I get out of this endless cycle of worry and fear. How do I get out of my mind and love you from my heart? So many questions and it feels as if the answer is so far away. I feel like a fraud. I still try to blend and appear that I have all of the right answers. I can play my music load to let everyone know that I listen to Christian music, I post “godly” quotes, I teach Sunday school, I sing on the praise team. I show people through my actions that I serve you but yet I experience shame when I am asked directly which artist do I like or I experience shame knowing that I fail at relationships. God I have realized that I am not worthy but yet through your grace, you still love me and accept me. You let me know that it will be okay!

In the moments when I feel the farthest from you, I am reminded to look up and know that “you” ar God. I am reminded that you do not seek perfection but repentance. You seek humbleness and meekness. You tell me that you are not a boastful God and therefore you do not request a boastful person.

So God, here I am. In my flawed state with my arms open and heart ready to receive you. You loved me from the beginning of time and now it is my turn to Love you. It is my turn to understand that love isn’t just an action,it’s purposeful. I choose today and forever to purposefully love you as you have purposefully loved me.

Sincerely,

Your daughter

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