As a teenager, I had this idea that the minute I opened my mouth about something that excited me, it would soon come to an end. I use to hold on to my excitement to make it last; In hopes that it wouldn’t run away from me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I taught myself that it was not okay to be happy. I was in an unhealthy cycle with myself that caused me to experience a lot of pain and disappointment. This cycle was the work of the enemy, and it fueled my insecurities, fear, doubt, blame, unforgiveness, and pressure. It told me that I could never have what I dreamed of having. So, I abandoned the vision and truth God gave me for the reality of this world.
At one point, God was so small in my life that I didn’t know if I was supposed to turn right or left. I built so many walls in hopes that I could protect myself. I set unbelievably high standards because that was my way of preserving the little vision I had left. It was easier for me to love than to be loved because I didn’t believe it could happen to me. I felt that being in love was selfish, but at the same time, I desired it. I was at war with the vision I had and the image I thought I deserved.
For so many years, I was at war with myself until God spoke these words to me, ” It’s not about a place for you, but freedom.” At that point, my mind immediately went in many different directions. I thought I was free, but clearly, God saw me struggling in ways that I didn’t understand. I began to ask myself all kinds of questions like God, what do you mean by freedom? How do I get it? What do I need to do? Over time, God began to reveal His answers:
What do you mean by freedom?
- God had to teach me that I needed to have a vision.
How do I get freedom?
- Through the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:1-11), God taught me that being “Blessed” isn’t about gaining the materialistic things in this world because that doesn’t bring happiness. When we are blessed in the Lord, we are happy, blissful, joyous, ecstatic; it’s the inner joy I can experience through Him.
What do I need to do to have this freedom?
- God taught me the true meaning of being persistent in prayer.
For so long, I judged God and the order He had for my life. So many years, I missed that God’s purpose for our lives is to secure our happiness. The things that happen to us in this life are not to harm us, but it is so we can experience the true glory of God. We struggle with the idea that we seek holiness at the expense of happiness; or happiness at the cost of righteousness. Being in a tug of war is precisely where the enemy wants you to be. When we struggle in this way, we lose out on both joy and happiness because we misunderstand the true meaning of holiness and obedience.
Today, God is saying that you don’t have to fight this fight anymore. This time, let yourself be excited…Let yourself be happy. Don’t allow yourself to think of the possible ending, but know that this is the beginning for you to flourish in whatever season God has you in at the moment.
This time, God might turn “this” into something, but you need to trust Him!