At 25 years old, I like to think that I have most of my life figured out. I am focused and career-driven and I have such a great support system. So, it is hard to imagine that I struggle with something extremely toxic. My toxic trait is the fact that I like to be in control. As my mom tells me, she would never imagine that I struggle with it. It’s something that I hide because I want to appear as easy going and someone who doesn’t struggle with the idea of obedience. Now, I am not just outwardly defiant, but I like how I put things in order. I like to believe that I am right!!!
For years my expectations and my control was never really an issue, but now, it feels like God is breaking me in that area. More specifically, when it comes to relationships. I was telling my mom this the other day that ” when it came to school and my career, maneuvering through those aspects of my life was so EASY!” It wasn’t even a second thought because it required more of my dedication and obedience. I had the idea that the effort I put into it is what I will get out of it. It was a situation that felt as though I could control. It was during those years in school that I thought I had the best relationship with God. It wasn’t hard to keep my focus on Him because I thrived in that area of my life.
Having that mindset may have been a strength at that moment and time, but it has also shown to be one of my greatest weaknesses. I have tried for years to apply the same statement that ” the amount of effort I put into it is what I will get out of it” into relationships. To a certain extent, it is true. However, I have had the hard realization that I can’t control other people. Even with all my might, I can not get another person to love me or want to be with me. That alone is shattering, and it isn’t very reassuring. It’s at this moment where I struggle the most with trust and faith.
God has been putting this scripture into my heart for some time now,
” Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything that you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline; don’t sulk under his loving correction. It’s the child he loves that God corrects; a father’s delight is behind all this.”Proverbs 3:5-12 MSG
This verse tells me that my ways are not God’s (this is where I insert my moment of frustration). AHHHHHH is what I want to do every time I have to come to this realization. In this moment of my life, I have to let go of the very thing that has kept me and has gotten me ahead in life. I want to go to God in frustration to ask why he would request this from me. At times, I try to reason with God and attempt to convince Him that this control has gotten me so far! Can it be that bad if it has allowed me to have the determination to succeed?
As I said before, knowing that I can’t control another person’s love or commitment, is one of the hardest things that I struggle with during this season of singleness. It is a very naive statement but it is a toxic trait that I have struggled with. At times, it does get me down because I struggle with the thought that ” I can’t do this.” Or better yet, ” I am not a match for someone.” The craziness of this statement is that God has promised me a husband (insert eye roll). Knowing that there is a promise, and knowing that I am not the one who will bring it to fulfillment has been a real test of my faith.
I can tell you that the enemy has found a way to take up space; it seems in every corner of my life. He is reminding me on a daily that I am single and that I can’t control this moment in my life. Truth be told, I have never controlled anything, and I never will because God has always been in control of my life. The enemy is just cunning, and he’s pretty darn good with his words, but the real truth is… the enemy is right but only if we give into him.
I’ve never been a quitter, and I don’t choose to start now. God has taught me that faith isn’t the essence of just believing but also having the components of trust and obedience. As I wait ( which seems like a mighty long time), I am reminded that I can’t keep my eyes off of the promiser. The promise is there not just for me but for you as well. We must remember that only God can bring this fulfillment into our lives.
God is never late nor is He ever early! God is always on time and whatever your struggle is today, don’t let the enemy win. You are so close to your promise and all God is asking is that you and I trust Him.
I will end this post with this scripture
And then God answered: ” Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what’s coming. It aches for the coming– it can hardly wait! And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time.Habakkuk 2:2-3 MSG